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Into the Deep Mikayla Whitaker

Description

In our world, there are two things we know: the impossible can't be done, and mermaids don't exist. But, could there be a possibility, that that isn't true?

Alana.
After going through disaster after disaster, she finds hope and love, even after finding out who and what she really is.

Thea.
Not only is she an heiress to a throne she doesn't want, but her whole family is cursed? What should she do when her time comes? Should she escape? What measures is she willing to take to get her happy ending.

Callia.
She hates what her family is doing but, she knows what is right; what she should do. Can she go against her family's wishes and take the giant leap of changing her life? Or could it be too late?

Can they fix their lives and come out of it stronger? Or will it take the best of them?

Length

  • 25092 words
  • About 100 pages
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11 comments on "Into the Deep"

Misti.Rogers on Sept. 3, 2017, 4:38 p.m. said:

Misti.Rogers


no

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Anna on Aug. 17, 2017, 4:17 p.m. said:

Anna


Okay so to be honest I have many thoughts after reading all this and I sadly have to say that this story is not really for me personally even though I think that with effort and a few reworks of the story it could cater to many peoples likings.
I did like some of the main aspects you put into the story like for example the idea of an underwater kingdom and that she is a lost princess and also the idea of her "brother" being the villain is not bad and water dragons would have been awesome to have heard more about.
My main problem with the story is that it seems really really rushed and like it has no structure or main path that it follows. All the events seem to be completely random and the whole story seems like an enumeration of things and not a story with a real plot line. I mean the whole thing with her loosing her arm could have been an entirely different book than the story with her being the underwater princess because those parts had no necessity of being connected at all. Also it seems like it was written very quickly because some sentences are not complete or make completely no sense and that makes it very hard to read from time to time.
I had some problems with the plot line that was there too, cause many things did not seem to make sense for me.
For example Sages Parents not knowing about her cancer and not being allowed to immiediately go see their daughter but Alana having to ask for them to come with her and I am quite certain that Hospitals do not just amputate arms of people without having a permission for it from either the patients or their guardians. Also I do not understand at all why Alana thinks that after her best friend just got her arm cut off anyone would care if she surfed again cause for me it does not seem to be equally measured and her going "it has to be done" also made no sense for me . Her loosing her leg also seemed kind of out of place since Sage just lost her arm. And the whole scenes after it regarding the medical process of healing seemed out of place for me too (for example you said that after a month she got taught how to roll out of bed but did she not need to do that before? I mean she needed to pee right?) and maybe a bit more of medical research (for example talking to a doctor or nurse) would help you with making it a bit more believable.And the loss of her leg did also not make much sense for me from an authors point of view because you gave it back to her in the end so what was the point of making her loose it before? That was not really clear for me.
Also on that topic I think it was a very beautiful idea for Sages parents to adopt Alana and I really liked that but they now have the medical bill of two girls with lost limbs on them and an explanation on if that will make problems for them or if they are very very rich would have been nice.
I also think that the whole believe in god debate seems a bit out of place and just a bit random but that could also be because I am an atheist so I do not have much believe in the church myself but it seems very strange kinda because she believes in it so fast and it just does not fit to the rest of the story.
I also did not really understand why the social worker came out of nowhere and why she even told him her lifestory when she seems so panicked about him a second before.
Then the book suddenly changes from a kind of drama, life tragedy book into a fantasy book in the middle and I was a bit confused with that and her reaction to Tanner telling her about everything being "I am sorry I can´t come with you I am busy" also seemed off to me. As well as him backing down so fastly.
The scene where she rips out her newfound scales terrified me because I was only thinking "ouch does that not hurt like hell?" the whole time but sadly you didn´t describe if there was pain or not.
And after she finds out she is a mystical creature and a princess to an underwater kingdom the first thing she is concerned with is going on a date, that seems a bit shallow in my opinion and I expected some serious mental freaking out from her to be honest (also she should have slapped Tanner for kissing her when they were still basically strangers even though I think Tanner is amazing, this was not a good move).
Also when she suddenly remembers who she is (why does she do it at that excact point and not when she sees her father again or something) she says she remembers everything but soon after she has no idea how to properly eat with manners and how to dance that which also confused me.
Another big confusion for me was the underwater world having completely human technology and standards like wanting to eat popcorn and watch a movie and Tanner knowing Titanic.
Also you said in one sentence that she uses Tanners nickname from their childhood days for him (suggesting they have known each other for years) and then when he says that they know each other for years she goes "Only one year" - this is a paradox I was not able to solve as a reader.
And lastly: Why did Sage die? Did she die because the cancer spread to much and took her life or did she commit suicide because her best friend was missing? I do not understand it sadly.
I also think it was very sad that the whole book only focused so much on Alana when you clearly had three character stated in the description (the description was very well written and very promising and amazing by the way) and I was really looking forward to seeing all of their point of views but then was kinda disappointed. Maybe you could have chapters out of their point of view from the beginning and they seem very seperate but then everything connects in the big plottwist of Alana being a lost princess that would be so cool and we would get so much more background information.
Sadly another point that I did not like that much was that all the characters seemed very flat to me and like they had no real emotions or character development. I mean the mention of her father abusing her is so casual like she talks about her favorite food or something and even as her friends abandon her she does not seem very sad about it. Emmet seems to be a completely unnecessary character and the other friends also disappear way to fast. Her and Sage are stated as best friends since birth but they do not interact as such and generally there are no real connections expressed between the characters (and even when Sage get´s her arm cut off Alana does not really have any reaction to it and normally people would be sad and devestated and feel very bad for their best friend).
I think with giving us more background information, more described interaction between the characters and more actual character development (like for example her "brother" going dark seemed very very unnatural and out of place ) would help very much to actually feel the emotions you are trying to evoke in the reader.
The story could be more detailed and also the end was very rushed and I could not really follow what was happening sadly.
I do hope I did not seem to harsh or weighed down your story to much but I guess that you uploaded it here to get constructive critique to develop it and improve it so I am going for the honest way but I do not want to hurt you in any way with it really, I am just trying to help.
This could be an good concept for a story that you want to write and how you want to write it like a very early draft but it is in my opinion not a complete story yet. I do believe that you can make a good story out of it though and that it would be very interesting to read that story for many people and I am sure it will be very enjoyable to read in the end. But I would recommend for you to maybe choose between the girl that looses her limb (and then make a medical journey book out of it) or the lost princess (and then really make a fantasy book out of it and introduce more mystical topics from the beginning like her maybe having dreams of the underwater world or something).
I wish you the best of luck for this project in the future :)

Similar Stories : The faerie path

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Mikayla Whitaker on Sept. 3, 2017, 11:47 p.m. said:

Mikayla Whitaker


Thanks so much for your input! I really do appreciate it! I'm really glad you tool the time to comment and point things out otherwise that I wouldn't have noticed.

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Anna on Sept. 4, 2017, 4:11 a.m. said:

Anna


No problem at all, best of luck with your story in the future :)

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NuttyNovelNerd on Aug. 8, 2017, 12:07 p.m. said:

NuttyNovelNerd


I think there is a lot of potential for the storyline. The writing, however, needs a lot of work.

The story would be have been intriguing, except for that fact that it felt disjointed. It jumped from one part to the next with no time to let everything sink in.

I found myself craving more character development. Any descriptions for the character were rushed and out of place, so they didn't stick. Alana in particular felt very shallow and I couldn't relate to her at all. She seems to have very little feeling; when her friend loses her arm, she doesn't seem too upset or shocked. Maybe she was supposed to be, but some more detail on that would be helpful. She wasn't freaking out, and I don't even think she was crying. Recently I was at the beach with a friend when she got dehydrated and had to go to the hospital in an ambulance. We didn't know what was wrong with her, but my friends and I were way more distraught and panicked than the characters in here, and her cancer was way worse, so the reactions should have been more pronounced. There were several other instances where I saw this, when Alana loses part of her leg, when her soulmate turns up, when she's in the hospital for so long, when she marries Tanner, etc.

There were also a lot of grammatical mistakes that were distracting, as often they completely messed up the sentance to the point where I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say.

Another thing, the characters kept coming and going. It's nice to see the same characters in a story stick around so we can watch them grow, and if they don't stick around, there's usually a good reason for it. In here there wasn't. They just disappeared and Alana didn't seem to care much.

Then there was the whole thing with Adrian. I was getting the impression that they were really close, and he really tried to look out for her in the beginning. Then suddenly he won't come see her, and it's very sudden, yet all Alana can think is that it's unlike him. She thinks the same thing later on. Then, AFTER she figures out he's not the person she thought he was, she still seems to trust him. At the end when he begins to threaten her, she is clueless. Then a childhood friend stabs him and the only thing she feels is joy at seeing someone she hasn't known since she was four. I would definitely expect her to feel a huge mix of emotions. She shouldn't be trusting him; she already learned not to do that. She might be trying to win him back to her side, but she would most likely do that without trusting him. Then lastly, she would still love him. She would be distraught when he got stabbed, whether or not she knew it was for the best. She spent so much time loving him that it would take a long time and a lot of horrible deeds on his part for her to hate him enough to feel NOTHING when he dies. Even then, if she's really heroic, she would still feel sad that the only way to rid the world of him was to kill him.

I hope you find this helpful; it probably sounds a little harsh, but in my experience this is exactly the kind of thing I need when I write.

I really do think the story would be good, if only it could have been more believable, and less confusing. Good luck!

Deep blue, by Jennifer Donnelly

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NuttyNovelNerd on Aug. 7, 2017, 1 p.m. said:

NuttyNovelNerd


So far the I am LOVING the plotline; everything keeps changing and it's fast paced. However, I do think it's a bit TOO fast paced. I'm not in love with any of the characters because there seems to be a lack of character development. There is also a lack of descritption that would really enhance the story. Every writing has a unique sense of writing and I'm not really feeling that in this.

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Mikayla Whitaker on Aug. 13, 2017, 2:41 a.m. said:

Mikayla Whitaker


Thanks so much for your input! I appreciate that you took the time to comment :) I will definitely fix and add more in the rewrite! Thanks again, so much!

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NuttyNovelNerd on Aug. 13, 2017, 11:39 a.m. said:

NuttyNovelNerd


You're welcome! Best of luck!

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boo and sushi bae on July 25, 2017, 6:04 a.m. said:

boo and sushi bae


I found the thought going into her past extremely interesting and definitely adds to the story. Although the facts could have been spread out a little more.

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Maple Twiggs on July 10, 2017, 4:33 p.m. said:

Maple Twiggs


Interesting so far. I'm a bit confused about some stuff and Sage would have to be over 18 for her parents not to know about her health issue. Overall some things seem to happen too abruptly in a narrative sense. But I am interested enough to keep reading!

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